I’ve been avoiding writing this post for awhile now… It’s been in the backburner for a few days.. I didn’t want to write it. I didn’t want to open this folder kept in the back of my mind. I wanted to skip to the next chapter but it wouldn’t be right. Because its part of the story.
Many women dream about this day, prepare for it and often fear it. I myself had a bit of anxiety. I was mostly afraid of the pain and the delivery. But above all, I was excited. I was excited to meet Nathaniel and I was looking forward to the moment they would place him on my chest. The birth physically was very easy. My labour was short; no complications, no stitches. I was very lucky in that aspect. It’s what unfold after that bothers me until this day.
As the doctor pulled out Nathan, I will always remember looking into his eyes. We locked eyes for a few seconds and I swear time stopped as if he knew who I was. As I reached out to touch him, the doctor quickly swooped him away. My first disappointment. Nathan was not placed on my chest.
It’s at that moment I realized that he was not crying. My anxiety kicked in and I start asking what was happening to my baby. My sister and my husband, both present at the moment, tried as much as they could to reassure me. But the moment I heard one of the doctor say ” this is not normal” panic settled in. One of the head nurse sees my agony and tries as much as she can to reassure me. She proceeds to advise me that they will take Nathan and bring him in another room for further assessment. She asks my husband to follow and I watch my baby and my husband leave the room helplessly. I’m left with my sister and my delivery nurse. I look over my deliver nurse and ask her what’s happening. (Side note that nurse was a bitch throughout labor, I could of had serious complications if another nurse did not intervene.) She tells me ” you probably didn’t give your baby’s head a big squeeze while pushing. It could be why he’s in distress”
My sister looks at her with a death stare and a nurse quickly come to her rescue and haves her leave the room. Anyone who knows my sister knows that things could have easily went left if this other nurse didn’t come and intervene.
My husband finally comes back in the room and advise me, Nathan is fine but under observation. He then begans to show me pictures of Nathan and a video of Nathan crying. This news is reassuring but i still need to see my son as this nurse convinced me i did something wrong. I try to get up but I’m still frozen from the epidural and I have to wait until it wears off. After a moment a nurse finally comes and help me clean up and promises to bring me to my son. When everything is done she places me in a wheelchair chair and finally brings me to the NICU. I finally get to see my son. He’s so beautiful. My heart sinks as I notice that he’s plugged to so many machines…. I was responsible for this… Specialists arrive and introduce themselves but throughout all the commotion my minds replay over and over again one sentence “you didn’t give his head a good squeeze”. I had one job and I failed, these words haunt me until this day.